I’ve never been satisfied by middle of the road.  Average, median, the grey area is just not where I find comfort.  As you may have noticed, I prefer all in or all out.  If you are going to commit yourself to something, make it worth your while, or why bother?  Just can’t do things halfway; it’s not copacetic.

Maybe it’s my self-diagnosed moderate to marked OCD?

The best way to describe what manifests itself as my main symptom is an over-excessive need to keep going until everything is in its ideal place:  An over-perfectionist.  I don’t just have my shoes in plastic boxes and stacked with similar styles for the season at hand (slides, boots, heels, kittens, flats).  They are not really in perfect order until I have a photo of each shoe on the outside of the box, perhaps with a short written definition of the shoe as the finishing touch?  Lingerie sets are all paired and packaged together in plastic bags (Ziploc is my best friend) and stored by color and/or pattern.  Movies and TV shows are divided by series versus film; Blu-ray, DVD, VHS or beta format; animated or live action; then, cataloged, alphabetically, but by sets.  It’s a process.  And, the end result, when everything is in its proper place and in order, is so calming.  The imaginary weight of chaos is off my shoulders and I can finally see everything as complete.  It’s intoxicating.

There is no such thing as a little organized in my world.  I organize “to 11.”

This type of thinking is also why I have a tendency to find myself attracted to the extremes.  A piece for each side of the spectrum: Beginning and End.  The best and the worst.  The initial spark of creation and a final ending.  Finished.  Complete.

Hard corners are my favorite.  Squares, rectangles, stars with hard points – yes!  No offense to the circle.  After all, we certainly couldn’t live without its magnificent curves, but I just prefer sharp lines and boxy shapes if I have a choice.  They are detailed and distinct and absolute.

I look through photos and cut out advertisements I’ve saved through the years and it’s pretty clear.  A 27 year old magazine photo of an early 1990’s Saab convertible or the one of the old boxy Range Rover (my two favorite cars of all time).  I mean, look at those lines – stark, ultimate, boxlike – beautiful!  Why did they ever change the shape of either of those?  It’s my theory on why Saab went out of business.  Fools!  Land Rover, you better watch your back, you are getting a bit too rounded out yourself lately.

Then, the seasons; my favorite are summer and winter.  That middle ground transitional space of spring and fall isn’t extreme enough for me.  Ideally, we’d go from December to August in one quick swoop. Give me the hottest summer sun (though I don’t really care for the humidity) and a nor’easter the very next day (provided it doesn’t knock out the power) and I’m more than happy.  I have my limits, but overall, the extremes thrill me way more than the “not quite here, not quite there” feeling.

Of course, that is why I probably have so many “best of” lists.  You always have to have a favorite, a top of the list; as well as, a bottom.  And, for every category, there is another list.  For example, how many people have a favorite letter?  My favorite letter is X, my least favorite is U.  And, fittingly, please notice the shapes of those letters.  Possibly predictable, definitely probable.

Here is what I feel is the most positive piece of this puzzle.  When I put my mind to something, it will more than likely be accomplished.  Did I fall behind in this “50 Weeks to 50” Blogging/Challenge assignment to myself?  Yes I did.  Heck, life gets busy sometimes.  But, whenever I fell behind, I pushed myself to catch up.  And, if I don’t make the exact deadline of my 50^th birthday, I’ll push until it’s complete anyway, because I want to have accomplished this blog and these challenges, no matter how long it takes.  It needs to be complete.

I don’t ever want to let myself down.  If I said I will do it, I will do my best – it just might take a little while.  However, I also don’t find myself disappointed if I scrap an idea or decide I no longer want to pursue something.  By the time that happens, it’s usually because something else has branched off from the original and now there is something else to accomplish.  There is still a finish line in sight; it has just been moved around the corner.

To me, that is optimistic.

If I fall, fail or struggle on something I really want to achieve, I will just try again.  There is sincerity in keeping your eye on the prize.  90% of success is having the determination to succeed (I think they say that 80% is just showing up but I’m adding another 10% for showing up a 2^nd or 3^rd time).  If you never give up on something, I believe it eventually it will come to pass.

Make it happen, if you want it.  “If you build it, he will come.”

And, honestly, that added determination actually gave me more happiness in my life than I ever could have anticipated.  The first time I went to an open audition to be a Universal Studios Tour Guide, I didn’t get an interview.  But, I wanted it so badly; I went back and tried again.  Thank goodness.  Becoming a Universal Studios Tour Guide was one of the major joys of my life.  To be able to talk about your passion all day long as a job – I mean, how many people get to do that?  In addition, some of my dearest lifelong friends are from the several years I spent at Universal.  My heart is what it is today because of that job and those people.

One could surmise that it’s not all persistence.  Perhaps it’s destiny?  Which, I happen to believe in, as well.  So, I will add to my formula for success and cover the remaining 10% of success with fate.  Regardless, you still have to go for it, to find out.  And, maybe it’s the fate that gives you the unwavering determination in the first place? A-ha!  I have cracked the secret to success.

And, success, whatever you choose to succeed in, is definitely the highest point on the extreme scale.  No one ever pats you on the back or wishes you well for your Achilles’ heel; but, the bubbly gets popped for many a triumphant tale.  The happy ending.  The ultimate in what is complete and final; certainly not middle of the road.  And, isn’t that what we all strive for?  To look back on our life and know nothing was left unsaid, no task left undone, everything in its place.  Contentment.  Yes!  So, my advice to the world:  Keep working at it and don’t ever give up fighting for what you want.

“Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”  Norman Vincent Peale

I guess that is what I’ve been doing, fighting for the biggest of extremes; and, happily, so far so good.  Now pardon me, I have to go “rearrange my sock drawer.”  #50WeeksTo50